My revelations

This blog post was originally going to be my last or at least the last for a while as I was going to sign myself off blogging for a bit.

Then I was going to write about depression, bare my soul to you, tell you what’s really been going on in my life.

Well, now I’m here and this is not going to be my last post, it may touch on depression but only as part of the tale.

I’ve got a cold! Quite a bad one actually, worse than I’ve had for a while. It started as sniffles and sneezes then went into my throat and my chest. I am all achy and very tired. The reason I am telling you I have a cold is not for sympathy but it sets the stage for my story, a revelation of sorts and, I am desperately hoping, a turning point for me.

For a while now, possibly since I had Isabella I have been verging on depression or certainly not coping with life how I should be. This has progressively got worse as the years have gone on and I have been out of work longer and longer. Over the past month things have got slightly worse and I’ve had the health visitors checking up on me every week. They have helped me work out what is/has been wrong and I am slowly pulling myself back up again.

Back to this cold, well the latest progression has been to my voice, it has all but gone. Shouting is certainly not an option as my throat hurts to shout and my voice just gets worse if I even try to raise it. This is what has prompted my revelation…I shout, a lot! I know this because my throat was hurting every time I tried to yesterday. Today I haven’t shouted! It really is a revelation, I don’t need to shout, it doesn’t get anything done faster or better!

Having to rest and slow down because of this cold has led to a further revelation – I cannot and actually should not be doing everything! Including all the usual child care, house work, paper work; plus my pub work, blogging and cake club organising I keep setting myself silly challenges! I have finally realised that I don’t actually have to do these things, lots of people do and that is very admirable but what with my child care, house work, paper work, pub work, blogging and cake club organising I think I am busy enough!

I think I have finally realised that…

I am enough!

I don’t have to complete all these tasks I set myself. I have my 30 by 30 but for purposes of sanity I will just see what happens, if I complete it then great. If I don’t I hope that I was too busy enjoying life and didn’t have the time!

As for the happiness project, I will for the forseable future just be enjoying life, one day at a time!

While Isabella was doing cutting and sticking I thought I’d join in the creativity.
The first drawing I’ve done in years – apart from flowers and things the kids request – what do you think?

Faces are hard! I was never very good at faces but practice makes perfect, the next time I feel like drawing I am just going to draw!

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This entry was published on November 8, 2012 at 8:52 pm. It’s filed under Thinking and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

21 thoughts on “My revelations

  1. please dont put so much pressure on yourself.You are enough.Exist and cope for a while to give yourself a break and know you are not alone.Your story is very familiar.Sending love xxxx

  2. Big step to blog it and look… The world is still turning! The only extraordinary thing about depression is how big a taboo such an ordinary thing is. Take whatever space you need, whatever help you can get and remember there are loads of us just like you. We’re not perfect, and trying to be can have the opposite affect. Lovely post. Thoughts with you – you’re not alone! xxx

    • Thank you so much for your message Jane. You are right, I didn’t even tell my husband how bad I had got! Also the perfectionism, I really need to stop that!
      I did print your poem out, I think that may have been one of the things that really got me thinking that I am just biding my time and will be back!
      Thank you xxx

  3. It is so hard, all this doing doing doing. Glad you are giving yourself a break from expectations, hopefully for a long time xx

    • Thanks for your message Pippa, I still might do a reward chart though 🙂 including ‘no shouting’ ‘smile more’ ‘see at least one friend a day’….that may sound like a funny one but I think I really need to! xxx

      • Sounds like a good idea – great activities! And a sticker for every time you stop doing something you feel like you SHOULD do instead of really want or need to. xx

      • Ooh, that’s a great one 🙂 next time we have the paper and glue out I will make one – have to decide on my awards too – that’s the best bit! xxx

  4. Hey you! Think you need to remember that you are a wonderful, caring, intelligent, arty, crafty, cooky, funny, beautiful mummy, daughter and friend. You are fabulous enough just being you!

  5. OMG-you are me! I am always taking on too much, and then beating myself up when I can’t do it all. I have struggled with depression big time in the past-well done for ‘coming out’. Mental illness should not be stigmatised as it is. And you are quite right. Sometimes, you just have to stop, and just be. Work out what your priorities are and do what YOU need to do. For you. Not for anyone else. If you need to stop blogging or caking or anything else, the world will not stop turning, and the only one who will judge you harshly is you. So you need to stop beating yourself up for not being superwoman/supermum, and cut yourself some slack. You sound like you are a fantastic mum to your beautiful children, and all the rest is just add ons. My God, it’s so much easier to say this to someone else than it is to take it on board yourself! Must take some notice of my own wise words! If you ever want a better, less public chat, then you can find my e-mail address on the blog! Or DM me on Twitter, and I’ll send it to you. So sorry you’ve been feeling rubbish. You are not alone in feeling how you do. But it can and will get better/easier. You’ve just got to learn to cut yourself some slack.

    • Hi Jen, thank you for your lovely message, it really is easier to say this to someone else, as I know I have uttered these sorts of words to friends only to disregard them myself!
      I have a feeling we both have a scanner/perfectionist condition that may never go away but I have tried very hard today just thinking about being in the moment, if the kids have asked me to do something silly I have just joined in, we have had lots of laughter today and are all very happy 🙂
      I will be sitting down later with chocolate, a cuppa and a film and not worry that I should be doing something ‘more useful’ xxx

  6. Hey 🙂
    Sorry to hear you are feeling down – I think the conscious effort to be happy via tasks is a hard one.
    After seeing you where starting the happiness project – I bought the book – and fully intended to join you. But i didn’t get very far in that book….
    It did remind me to be thankful for what I have & try to be nicer ( I can b mean when I’m grumpy / sad ) but I guess I just ended up feeling dopey for buying a book that told me a whole lot of stuff I should already know…. And in turn – a little sad I couldn’t see the book & it’s tasks through.
    Unfortunately being happy is more of a state of mind than a series of activities – and if you really aren’t feeling great – forcing yourself through a sequence of activities probably isnt gonna help. I dunno, maybe just realising that you aren’t happy is a huge step towards being happy.
    Enough babbling from me – take care of yourself – take each day as it comes & try to enjoy the moments x

    • Hey 🙂 Aaah, the book! I do wonder if that is what tipped me over the edge (sorry Gretchen if you ever happen to read this…) in that I was desperately trying to find the elusive happiness by doing weekly tasks and not even being able to accomplish what I had thought would be simple things!
      Being happy certainly is a state of mind, maybe drinking 8 glasses of water a day and eating only raw vegetables is super healthy for us but it sure doesn’t make you happy. Having a few cups of tea, maybe a slice of cake and tasty wholesome meals… now that does make you happy!
      I do feel like I have made that first step and feel better for it, I will try so hard now to take each day as it comes, thank you for your message xxx

  7. I didn’t realise you had been battling the depression demon too 😦 I feel bad I never told you about when I went on anti depressants after Charlie… I’m off them now but still on the verge at times… Always here for you even though 90 miles away… If you ever want to chat/email etc… xxxx

    • Aah, yes the demon! I didn’t even tell hub that I was having the health visitor to see me, I had tried to tell him so many times I wasn’t happy but all I got was phrases like ‘pull yourself together’ and ‘you’ve got a great life’ which was not that helpful so I started shutting off from him too, bad move!
      I was offered medication but didn’t really want to take it so on a waiting list for counselling but still have weeks to wait for an appointment, hence the health visitors having to keep an eye on me. Think I am getting through it on my own now though 🙂
      I know you are there 🙂 wish we could see more of each other, it’s so great to see the kids growing up xxxx

  8. Just reread your post again babe. You really aren’t allone as you can see and I think the fact that you have publicly stated your feelings is commendable. You are so open and half the time the reason why most of us suffer from depression is because we ‘bottle’ things up and try to keep on going living the ‘perfect’ life that everyone else thinks we have. Not saying your life is not perfect it’s just the word has such high expectations that no matter how ‘perfect’ it is it just isn’t enough. I am so happy that you’ve decided to just be. One of the best things in life is just being who you are at theat Gid given moment, whether it is sad, happy, excited, lonely, busy whatever it is we should ride the emotion/feeling and just be. You are admired though I must say, your posts are inspiring and this I am sure you know, but just can’t see it yet. Cuddle to you for being so upfront, love to you because you need to feel it from others, perspective to you just so you realise you are not alone. Being a perfectionist doesn’t do anyone any good but being you does! Have a great weekend my love. Kx

  9. Bridget Leyden on said:

    Hi Catherine, I just wanted to say that I can really identify with what you say (as ever). I love reading your blog. I really struggled with anxiety and depression for ages when my children were younger, and I was splitting up from my partner. I did even take antidepressants for a few months and they did help a bit, even though I thought I would never take them. Taking them seemed to give me a good reason to give myself a bit of a break. These days things are much better :~).
    I really like the pictures you drew, especially the one of Will :~). And I was very impressed with
    you putting them in your blog. I hope things improve and I think it sounds like you do an amazing job bringing up your kids xxx

    • Hi Bridget, thank you for your words 🙂 I am just trying to stop every extra activity I have roped myself into now and only trying to do what I know will really make me happy, I am also really trying to remember not to shout at the kids and just remove myself from the room if I am getting a bit grumpy. They certainly aren’t naughty children and I just need to let them be sometimes, especially if no one will get hurt or break anything.
      I have currently found some herbal alternative to the prescribed pills so am taking that and feeling much better, I am so scared of the antidepressants even though since writing this many friends have said they have had a few months taking them too.
      I’m glad you liked the pictures, I really enjoyed drawing them and if I feel like it again I will have another go.
      Hope you and yours are all well too xxx

  10. Hi, reading your blog, as we have both joined the love what you wear project.
    Sounds like you are trying to do too much! My children have now grown up. I recommend you do more drawing and less of the stuff ‘you think you should be doing’ look forward to sharing upcyling ideas & other ways not to spend money on clothes :0) Joelle

    • Hi Joelle, great to meet you 🙂 I agree, I think I am doing too much! I will still be joining in with the love what you wear project and will photograph and record anything I get up to to add to my blog when I come back, probably in the new year.
      I did have a quick peek at your blog and website, both are super and I love your jewelery.
      Cx

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