This blog post was originally going to be my last or at least the last for a while as I was going to sign myself off blogging for a bit.
Then I was going to write about depression, bare my soul to you, tell you what’s really been going on in my life.
Well, now I’m here and this is not going to be my last post, it may touch on depression but only as part of the tale.
I’ve got a cold! Quite a bad one actually, worse than I’ve had for a while. It started as sniffles and sneezes then went into my throat and my chest. I am all achy and very tired. The reason I am telling you I have a cold is not for sympathy but it sets the stage for my story, a revelation of sorts and, I am desperately hoping, a turning point for me.
For a while now, possibly since I had Isabella I have been verging on depression or certainly not coping with life how I should be. This has progressively got worse as the years have gone on and I have been out of work longer and longer. Over the past month things have got slightly worse and I’ve had the health visitors checking up on me every week. They have helped me work out what is/has been wrong and I am slowly pulling myself back up again.
Back to this cold, well the latest progression has been to my voice, it has all but gone. Shouting is certainly not an option as my throat hurts to shout and my voice just gets worse if I even try to raise it. This is what has prompted my revelation…I shout, a lot! I know this because my throat was hurting every time I tried to yesterday. Today I haven’t shouted! It really is a revelation, I don’t need to shout, it doesn’t get anything done faster or better!
Having to rest and slow down because of this cold has led to a further revelation – I cannot and actually should not be doing everything! Including all the usual child care, house work, paper work; plus my pub work, blogging and cake club organising I keep setting myself silly challenges! I have finally realised that I don’t actually have to do these things, lots of people do and that is very admirable but what with my child care, house work, paper work, pub work, blogging and cake club organising I think I am busy enough!
I think I have finally realised that…
I am enough!
I don’t have to complete all these tasks I set myself. I have my 30 by 30 but for purposes of sanity I will just see what happens, if I complete it then great. If I don’t I hope that I was too busy enjoying life and didn’t have the time!
As for the happiness project, I will for the forseable future just be enjoying life, one day at a time!